A Calling?

I may have had a calling...when I do my guided meditation with BelleRuth, I have a very specific place that I've been building for several years. I start off walking down the beach, towards a house that is set back just a bit, but not too far. I go up the steps onto the wide porch and get into the blue striped hammock. There's a cushy pillow there.

First BelleRuth tells us to look around. The porch is wide, with gray painted floor boards. I can see some beach umbrellas down the beach aways, some dark clouds behind the hill on my right. And now I see Hamlet trotting up to the porch - he jumps up and lays beside me with his "arms" on my chest. He blinks his eyes at me the way cats do. I can see a ship way out on the ocean, and every once in awhile some dolphins come up for air.

Then we smell the air - you can smell the ocean of course. Not much going on here, which is how I like it. It just smells clean. And I can smell the rain coming.

Then I feel the breeze on my skin, it's warm, but not hot, and not at all humid.

Then we listen. I can hear the waves crashing on the beach. I hear the grass rustling in the breeze. Hamlet is purring, kneading my stomach. I can hear some rumbling thunder in the distance, and things cloud up a bit more. A storm is coming. I can hear the seagulls.

This was it for a long time. Then recently I added the sound of little kids laughing off in the distance. And when I did that my heart sort of seized up and tears came to my eyes. I think it's a sign. I think I'm supposed to do something with kids. This isn't the first time I've had this idea, of course, but something about that thought has been speaking to me for days.

Need to think on it some more.

Sleep

I had another weird dream, one I have repeatedly. I'm trying to deliver something somewhere - this time it was our courier pouches from work. I just can't get to where I need to be - for some reason I have to go through a mall, and of course people are in my way, and I get sort of lost. Then it turned into some sort of amusement park. It's so frustrating!

There's an article about sleep in the latest National Geographic that I need to read today. It starts off talking about a disease where you gradually lose the ability to fall asleep. It's fatal, and it's hereditary. Two sisters' father had it, and one sister had been tested, the other hadn't.

I had never heard of this, and I think it sounds like one of the worst diseases ever. It must be excruciating to be exhausted and not be able to fall asleep. I don't have that problem very often, but when I do, it's miserable.

For some reason, this has stuck with me the past week. Sleep is so important - I love it. I love getting into bed, and reading until you just can't keep your eyes open, then snuggling down and falling asleep. I don't really wake up very well - no matter how much sleep I get, I never have been one of those who bounds out of bed wide awake. It takes time to wake up. But I feel so much better when I've had my eight or nine hours on a consistent basis.

Some times I wish I was one of those people who say they only need four or five hours of sleep - I could get so much more done. But I don't quite believe people who say that. I like my sleep.

I've had a rough couple of weeks, months really. I've been working way too much and I don't know how to stop. I never really had this problem before, but I'm learning that I'm not very good at balancing work and life. Or maybe it's just this particular work I'm doing right now.

Many days I feel totally empty. This week for instance, J T. was traveling, and I worked every day from about 7:30 am to 7:30 pm, except for last night when I had a hair appt. I feel rather empty. One night a few weeks ago, I laid down on the bed and listened to all my favorite songs on my iPod - I really hardly ever listen to the thing, but that night for some reason I felt like it. Well, the dam broke and I cried and cried - I don't really even know why. Just needed a release I guess.

I'm not taking care of myself, and I know that's part of the issue. While logically, I know I should, I just can't seem to jump over the hurdle of being so tired that all I eat for dinner is deli turkey right out of the package, corn chips, and Cadbury mini chocolate eggs. No exercise to speak of. Sometimes I worry about the toll it's taking on my body - am I losing days or years of life?? Overly dramatic, maybe, but when you're tired, you think these thought.

I had a dream last night that the building I work in broke in half during a storm. The top three floors - we were on the top floor - was blown through the air and landed on an island. When we got there, my family was there. The boys were little - maybe 6 and 8. And the worst part of it was that Andy's arm had been amputated. It had happened earlier in the year, and was healed. I was complaining about what a terrible year we'd had - there had been a fire at work, then Andy's arm, and now the building torn in half. Then J T. disappeared, and when he came back, I asked him where he'd been and he wouldn't answer me . I yelled at him that he was useless.

Who has dreams like this but a totally stressed out person???