Planning for the Present

I had a thought today on the way to work. I was wondering why Christmas always catches me off guard. It comes at the same time every year, and yet, I'm always surprised when it comes. I looked at the calendar today and thought, "Hmm, December 16...I've got plenty of time!" Ha! It's really only a week away!!!

But here's the thought I had just a moment later. Lately, I've been trying to be more mindful. Paying attention to what I'm doing now, not what I need to do when I'm done with what I'm doing now. Living in the moment. Being present. But, when I do that, I tend to forget that there's a future I need to think about as well. How do these two ideas live together? How do you live in the moment without having done some planning ahead of time? Maybe it's one of those koans - a conundrum.

I have been more calm since I've been doing this though. When I meditate in the morning, even for 10 minutes, my day goes along much more smoothly. So, I'll stick with it, and try to be present as I'm planning for the future.

The Importance of Being Neat

I always thought I was a naturally neat person. But I'm doubting that now. I do like things neat and in their place, but I'm beginning to realize that although I like things in order, I'm too lazy to really maintain it. It was easy to do when I had more available time. Now, I just procrastinate, and say I'm too tired. Maybe I am too tired, but I also think I'm just plain lazy.

My desk at work is pretty much a disaster, and I'm a little embarrassed by my whole office. Papers are stacked in my so-called in box. There are piles on my desk. Even when I do try to get organized, there are always things left over that I don't know what to do with. My boss annoyingly tells me that I just need to be better organized. That just pisses me off, and makes me NOT want to be organized, because there, I do believe most of the problem is lack of time.

At home, even though I say it's because I have no time, I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm not who I thought I was. It's a little disturbing - I'm having trouble reconciling the way I want to be with the way I think truly I am. Do I deny the slobby person within? Shouldn't I accept who I am and just forget about organizing my closet, and cleaning up the sewing room? But, I get frustrated when I go into a room and I can't find anything, don't have room to work. Are these traits innate, or learned? Am I just getting old and tired?

My solution in the past is to just move. And it's worked just fine! When you move into a new place, you can put everything where it's supposed to go, and it stays that way for awhile. By the time things get all crapped up, it's time to move. That won't work forever though.

Let's get Physical

I'm feeling very badly about my physical state. I had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. All is well there - thyroglobulin is way down:good. TSH is up a bit: easy fix with a tweak of medication (Kind of a pain because now I have to take two different doses, alternating each day. Now I have to get a little old lady pill box.) So that part is ok. But my blood pressure was in the "at risk" category, according to the chart on the wall. Strangely, the doctor didn't say anything about that. Nor did he say anything about the 5 or so pounds I've gained since the last time I was there, only 8 months ago.

I feel a little like I'm just obsessed with food! And it's not like I'm eating anything that great. I just feel the need to eat, and eat, and eat. Probably related to stress. At one time in my life, when I had a better balance of work and life, I would fast on Wednesday nights. Meaning basically, I skipped supper that night, and tried to meditate on the fact that some people don't get enough to eat, and to reflect on how much I have to be grateful for. I think I need to start that practice again if I can. I don't know if I'm in the right place in my head to do that, but I think I will give it a whirl.

I know I should only deal with one thing at a time, but I also get almost no physical activity anymore. This is very bad.

How do you get past all the bad habits? I've done it before, but really, how many times do I have to go back and forth. And it's not just the 5 pounds - I just don't feel good. And my clothes don't fit anymore. I think I have some work to do.

A Long Weekend

There is nothing better than a three day weekend. Well, actually a two-week vacation would be better, but this is nice. We spent a day in DC on Saturday - went to the zoo, because we'd never been. I have mixed feelings about the zoo. I know they are trying to keep some animals from going into extinction, but it's also kind of sad that they have to be so restricted. There were LOTS of kids there as you would expect. I think we were the only ones without kids. I hadn't been around that many kids for a long time. And really I like the kids, it's mostly the parents that annoy me. So many are just oblivious - they think it's cute when an 18-month old wants to walk, but then an older person practically trips over the kid.

We then walked up to a neighborhood called Cleveland Park - had a nice lunch, and then shopped a bit. The Petco was having a kitten and cat adoption fair, so we went and looked at the kittehs...so cute. While I think I do want a cat at some point, I'm a little torn about it. Life is certainly easier without a pet - and less stinky. Am I being too fussy? The thought of a litter box to clean doesn't thrill me. But life would probably be richer with a pet. We'll see.

Yesterday I cleaned - not fun, but necessary. Now the house feels good. I've been cooking too - homemade mac & cheese last night - so good. And I just made some bran muffins for breakfast. Going to put a chicken in the over to roast all afternoon and have that with the leftover mac & cheese tonight. I've gained a bit of weight due to NO exercise and too much snacking lately. Have to get back on the wagon tomorrow.

I'll need to do a little work this morning - nothing too strenuous. Probably go to the commissary to get some groceries. Then I MUST spend some creative time doing something. I have several beading projects and sewing projects to work on. And of course, the ever present ironing. That's not creative, but again, it's got to be done at some point.

Overall, a good weekend!

Monday

So, I've been told I need to post more on my blog. What, once every two months is not enough?? So I'm going to just start typing and see what comes up. I took J T. to the airport this morning - he has a loverly 4 day 3 night visit to Ft. Jackson, SC. Hmm...lucky him - Not. But, I am glad for some time alone, even though it's only for the 3 or 4 hours I can manage to stay awake once I get home from work.

Not much improvement there - in fact it's gotten worse. I have no respect for the owners of this company, it really really stinks how they run this company and get so rich in the meantime, and that's all I have to say about that. (I watched Forrest Gump last night while cooking dinner. I really like that movie, although I'm a bit ashamed to admit it. It's really sort of lame.)

So, I came home and did meditate for 10 minutes or so. Should have done longer but the timer went off for my boiled eggs. One of my comfort foods is tuna salad on crackers, so that's what I had tonight. Had my tuna - Yum. Then Andy called. He's so funny how he'll just call randomly. Tonight he had to tell me that they added three new cast members to Saturday Night Live. Oh! And earlier in the day, he texted to say he's gotten a role in their next show - The Way of the World. It's a restoration comedy (I think that's it) from the 1700s. He will play Waitwell, a manservant. Andy said it was the funniest part when they did their cold reads. So, that's good, he's happy.

Now here I am, with wrinkled clothes waiting for me to iron, and really no motivation to iron them. It's hot - 95 today, so the house is hot too. My goal for this week was to get caught up on the ironing. If I iron 2 or 3 things a night, I'll be done in three nights. Sad, sad, sad. I used to iron kitchen towels and sheets. I used to have time and energy to make a nice home. I can't wait until I'm there again. I just finished a book called Slow Love by Dominique Browning. She was the editor of House & Garden and they closed the magazine and fired her. It was a little whiny - she clearly had plenty of money to survive this, but it was interesting how she dealt with the hours at home when she was so used to going to a job every day. At the very end, she talks about how much she enjoys making a nice home, and cooking, and gardening. I feel the same way. Not that I'll be able to do that full time any time soon - I will have to work for awhile yet, but I at least want a job that doesn't tear me down everyday. I'm not old, but really, I'm beyond climbing that learning curve every blessed day. I'm ready to spend time learning things I want to learn, not how to prepare some stupid budget for some idiot branch manager, who doesn't even understand what the word "attrition" means. So there.

Mental Preparation for the next 10 days

I'm trying to mentally prepare for the next 10 days or so. I have a big deadline at work on July 16, but since that's when I'll be at the beach, MY deadline is July14. I have so much work to do before then it's ridiculous.

And J T. leaves for Germany & Afghanistan next Sunday, so I really would rather spend Saturday with him - and I will, but I'll do it knowing that I'll need to go to the office on Sunday right after I take him to the airport and try to get it all done. I also expect to work late most nights this week.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at work, and I don't think it's going to be ending soon. I've gotten better about letting go of what I can't do, but it bites when I'm asked about a project and all I can say is I didn't have time to work on it. I know I could probably be more organized with my time, but I really don't think that's the issue. However, I still get that feeling of failure when it happens - like it's my fault.

It's really crazy that there's this much angst about taking two lousy days off of work. Grr....

An Afternoon at the Smithsonian

Today I went to the Sackler Gallery to see an exhibit there of Tibetan Buddhist art. They had a whole room set up as a shrine. It's not exactly what someone would have had in their home. Regular people just have a corner of the living room set up as a shrine. This was more like what a wealthy person would have, but even more so. It was just chock full of gold and copper Buddhas, and other buddhas (to be honest, I'm not sure I understand it all, but there were a bunch of different buddhas, and deities that they worship. I have read some about Buddhism, but it seems pretty complicated. Anyway, this was one of the coolest things I've seen. This lady at the left is a Tara - she's a female deity. I like her because there are many different versions (green,white, red, black, etc) which represent different characteristics. She's often shown with one foot uncrossed, showing that she's ready to step out of enlightenment and help us poor suffering humans.

One cool thing in the shrine were these sort of mini-shrine boxes that were elaborately carved, with windows for each statue.

It was truly a sight to see - I wish they'd had a post card of that room. I'll have to see if I can find one. I'm always sort of disappointed in museum gift shops. They never seem to have what I think they should have. I wanted a small copy of one of the buddhas in the shrine, but they had nothing like that. And also a picture of that room.

So, I spent a long time in the museum. Part of the exhibit was some paintings done by Situ Panchen on various lines of buddhist teachers and masters from the 18th century. Very interesting.

After the museum I walked around a very pretty garden - the Haupt Garden - which is right outside the Sackler and next to the Smithsonian Castle. It was beautiful - lots of little fountains where birds were busy taking baths - it was so hot. The garden was probably at it's peak since although it was hot, it's not that dry August hot yet, so a lot of things were in bloom.

I'm a little aggravated at myself because they had a monk come to the museum back in March and make a sand mandala over a week. I wish I'd known that was going on - I really need to pay more attention to what's going on. There's a cool time-lapse video of it at http://www.asia.si.edu/exhibitions/current/RealmoftheBuddha.htm.

The last place I went was the Folger Rose Garden. It was actually a pretty small piece of land right across from the Mall. But again, I think it was a it's peak. The roses were so gorgeous, and when the breeze blew it smelled SO good. The funny thing is that while the flowers themselves smelled good, like roses should, there was another scent - maybe the roses combined with their leaves. It's hard to explain, but it brought back a very old memory of Grandpa and his roses. Their backyard was sort of terraced, with these little stepping stones that went down to where the roses were. In my memory, it is hot, hot, very hot that day, but I distinctly remember going down there with him. They had one of those white concrete bird baths. I don't know what we did - he probably just worked in his garden and I just messed around. And I'm sure I went down there many times. But it's so funny how a smell can take you back to another time in an instance. I love that feeling! It was a good memory, and made me think of Grandpa, and the roses, the Hershey's miniatures back when they tasted better and were wrapped like real miniature candy bars, and the collection of glass animals that he'd let us look at. He wasn't a particularly loving Grandpa, but there's some good stuff there.

I did all this by myself, which was actually the way I'd wanted it. J T. is traveling, and Andy was going to go with me, but then he realized there was a soccer game on he wanted to see. You'd think he'd be sick of soccer since that's all he's done the last week is watch soccer, but I guess not. But, it was ok - I had a very good time.

Feeling better

I can't believe I haven't written anything since May 3 - bad blogger...

The last few days have kind of stunk. I've had my period, which is just miserable. I don't know how I'm still standing with all the blood I've lost. Sorry - too graphic maybe. But then, on Tuesday night, I went out to dinner with my boss and got some delicious crabcakes. Or so I thought. I was up sick all night. I don't know if it was the crab cakes, or my period (which always wreaks havoc on my digestive system) or a bug, but whatever it was, I was sick. Didn't sleep at all that night, and only slightly better last night. I wasn't bad enough to stay home from work, but I was pretty tired and out of it yesterday.

The point of all this is how funny it is that when you've been sick, and then you start feeling better, you are SO grateful to feel better. Feeling normal feels so good! I'm still wiped out, but I managed to cook a meal tonight and actually cleaned up the kitchen. Quite an accomplishment!

I can now concentrate on getting excited about going to the beach in July. Since I'll only be there three days, the weather better be nice! Guess I can't control that, but still - it had better not rain too much! I so need a break from this place and work, etc. I mentioned dinner with my boss earlier - she wanted to "chat" in private. Apparently the owners want to bring in an interim controller to "help" us because we are so dysfunctional. I don't like the guy they have in mind to do it, but honestly I don't give a rat's ass. I'll go along with whatever they decide, which is basically what I told Jennie. As director of the department, she has a bit more at stake than I do, but even she doesn't seem to care much. Wouldn't surprise me if she resigns at some point. But she did tell me that what she wants to do is make it work for us. So we'll see. She basically just needed a sounding board, and I'm happy to listen. So much drama at this company...

Macbeth

We went to see Seton Hill's production of Macbeth this past weekend. It's a difficult show, but they did a very nice job. The boy who played Macbeth was very good. They all did a good job.

Of course, J T. and I think Andy was the best one, and can't figure out why he didn't get a bigger role. He actually had several roles. The best was as the porter, which provides the comic relief. Andy's generally pretty good with those sorts of roles. But still, I think he is just as good as the other kids - perhaps his time is still to come. And perhaps we're just a little prejudiced. I wish I could get an objective opinion on his talents. Because I do think he's pretty good, but the roles he's gotten doesn't really reflect that.

A Calling?

I may have had a calling...when I do my guided meditation with BelleRuth, I have a very specific place that I've been building for several years. I start off walking down the beach, towards a house that is set back just a bit, but not too far. I go up the steps onto the wide porch and get into the blue striped hammock. There's a cushy pillow there.

First BelleRuth tells us to look around. The porch is wide, with gray painted floor boards. I can see some beach umbrellas down the beach aways, some dark clouds behind the hill on my right. And now I see Hamlet trotting up to the porch - he jumps up and lays beside me with his "arms" on my chest. He blinks his eyes at me the way cats do. I can see a ship way out on the ocean, and every once in awhile some dolphins come up for air.

Then we smell the air - you can smell the ocean of course. Not much going on here, which is how I like it. It just smells clean. And I can smell the rain coming.

Then I feel the breeze on my skin, it's warm, but not hot, and not at all humid.

Then we listen. I can hear the waves crashing on the beach. I hear the grass rustling in the breeze. Hamlet is purring, kneading my stomach. I can hear some rumbling thunder in the distance, and things cloud up a bit more. A storm is coming. I can hear the seagulls.

This was it for a long time. Then recently I added the sound of little kids laughing off in the distance. And when I did that my heart sort of seized up and tears came to my eyes. I think it's a sign. I think I'm supposed to do something with kids. This isn't the first time I've had this idea, of course, but something about that thought has been speaking to me for days.

Need to think on it some more.

Sleep

I had another weird dream, one I have repeatedly. I'm trying to deliver something somewhere - this time it was our courier pouches from work. I just can't get to where I need to be - for some reason I have to go through a mall, and of course people are in my way, and I get sort of lost. Then it turned into some sort of amusement park. It's so frustrating!

There's an article about sleep in the latest National Geographic that I need to read today. It starts off talking about a disease where you gradually lose the ability to fall asleep. It's fatal, and it's hereditary. Two sisters' father had it, and one sister had been tested, the other hadn't.

I had never heard of this, and I think it sounds like one of the worst diseases ever. It must be excruciating to be exhausted and not be able to fall asleep. I don't have that problem very often, but when I do, it's miserable.

For some reason, this has stuck with me the past week. Sleep is so important - I love it. I love getting into bed, and reading until you just can't keep your eyes open, then snuggling down and falling asleep. I don't really wake up very well - no matter how much sleep I get, I never have been one of those who bounds out of bed wide awake. It takes time to wake up. But I feel so much better when I've had my eight or nine hours on a consistent basis.

Some times I wish I was one of those people who say they only need four or five hours of sleep - I could get so much more done. But I don't quite believe people who say that. I like my sleep.

I've had a rough couple of weeks, months really. I've been working way too much and I don't know how to stop. I never really had this problem before, but I'm learning that I'm not very good at balancing work and life. Or maybe it's just this particular work I'm doing right now.

Many days I feel totally empty. This week for instance, J T. was traveling, and I worked every day from about 7:30 am to 7:30 pm, except for last night when I had a hair appt. I feel rather empty. One night a few weeks ago, I laid down on the bed and listened to all my favorite songs on my iPod - I really hardly ever listen to the thing, but that night for some reason I felt like it. Well, the dam broke and I cried and cried - I don't really even know why. Just needed a release I guess.

I'm not taking care of myself, and I know that's part of the issue. While logically, I know I should, I just can't seem to jump over the hurdle of being so tired that all I eat for dinner is deli turkey right out of the package, corn chips, and Cadbury mini chocolate eggs. No exercise to speak of. Sometimes I worry about the toll it's taking on my body - am I losing days or years of life?? Overly dramatic, maybe, but when you're tired, you think these thought.

I had a dream last night that the building I work in broke in half during a storm. The top three floors - we were on the top floor - was blown through the air and landed on an island. When we got there, my family was there. The boys were little - maybe 6 and 8. And the worst part of it was that Andy's arm had been amputated. It had happened earlier in the year, and was healed. I was complaining about what a terrible year we'd had - there had been a fire at work, then Andy's arm, and now the building torn in half. Then J T. disappeared, and when he came back, I asked him where he'd been and he wouldn't answer me . I yelled at him that he was useless.

Who has dreams like this but a totally stressed out person???

A Nice Get-Away

New York City! I met my friend Sheri for a nice long weekend in New York. I met Sheri when I lived in Wichita, and we really hit it off. I only lived there for two years, and really only knew Sheri for one year, but somehow, we became fast friends. We've traveled together before, and we always have a good time.

We did SO MUCH in such a short weekend. The day we got there, Thursday, we went to see Scarlett Johanssen and Liev Schrieber in The View From the Bridge, and Arthur Miller play. It was really wonderful. We were WAY up in the balcony, but once we got over the vertigo, we both enjoyed the play.

The next day was shopping day. We went to several trimmings stores in the garment district - M&J Trimmings and Tinsel Trading Company. I allowed myself to choose five different ribbons and got two yards of each. Don't know what I'll do with them yet...I also bought some sweet little flowers that will be great in some project, I just know it. Such amazing stores.

We also got ripped off at one restaurant - Roxy's at Times Square. Don't go there. It's supposed to be a NY deli, but they charge outrageous prices. Granted the sandwiches are huge, but they're not very good.

On Saturday, we went down to the Lower East side to the Tenement Museum. I liked that quite a bit. The tour focused on several families' lives and experiences. It was a little hokey, but overall a good museum. From there we wandered over to Little Italy and Chinatown. Then we took the train up to 80th and Broadway to Zabar's, a fabulous market.

On Sunday, the weather turned nasty - we had planned on going on a pre-Passover Jewish culture walking tour, but it was pouring down rain, so we just went to the Strand, then headed up to Harlem to eat soul food at Sylvia's. On Sunday's, they perform gospel music in the restaurant. It's pretty tourist-y, but still fun.

One thing I did realize on this trip is that I can get around pretty much anywhere now. I was sort of nervous of the subway system, but was able to figure it out. We went from Mid-town to the lower East Side, out to Brooklyn, up to Harlem - all over the place. In fact, we must have looked fairly competent because three times over the weekend people asked us for subway directions!

It was so nice to get away from work for awhile and do something fun. I'm tired, but I do feel refreshed and relaxed. Not that I really want to go back to work tomorrow, but I feel that I can get through another week.

Some Things I Miss

I miss being a mom with little boys at home. I miss cutting apples each night for them to eat while we read their bedtime stories (no peel for Andy!). I miss when they'd snuggle in the bed, so warm and cuddly - Andy saying "Nathan, get in the middle! You get more hugs there!" I miss being in control of my own schedule. I miss cooking every day, surprisingly, although I complained about it at the time.

I miss coffee with my friends at Real Bread Company in Evansville when all the kids were finally in school. We'd sit and talk for hours. I miss sitting at the pool, minding the boys, and whatever other kids were around, thinking "What a great job I've got!". I miss going to soccer games and drama club picnics. I even miss Cub Scout Blue & Gold banquets. I miss the book fair.

I miss making lunches every day - once I made one for Andy's high school friend Chelsea. She thought I was the greatest after that. I miss football games in the back yard in Wichita, and the snack basket I made for all the boys so they wouldn't eat everything in the house.

I'm sure I'm looking at the past with rose-colored glasses, but that's ok.

A New Project

So, here I am blogging. Something I never thought I'd do, and don't know how long I will do it. But, I've enjoyed my sister's blog so much that I thought I'd give it a try, if only to keep in touch with both my sisters. It feels a little silly, but here goes!

Not sure how to start, but to say my life is sort of unbalanced and temporary-feeling right now. I have a job that I like, but there's too much of it, and that's not going to end soon. I'll be moving and starting a whole new life within a year and a half when J T. "retires" - still don't know exactly what that is going to look like. How to help him figure it all out - what he wants to do, how to do it. There are so many options - almost too many.

There are a few things I'm sure of - I want to live in a house I like, and I want to have enough money to travel before I'm too old or dead. And I want meaningful work - right now, I don't really have that, and it's crushing my soul. I feel like I should be able to overcome this, but it's hard to do. I need more time to create, to learn how to meditate, to learn yoga, to read, to cook, to garden, to exercise, to take care of myself and my family.

I really don't think I'm asking for too much...