I always thought I was a naturally neat person. But I'm doubting that now. I do like things neat and in their place, but I'm beginning to realize that although I like things in order, I'm too lazy to really maintain it. It was easy to do when I had more available time. Now, I just procrastinate, and say I'm too tired. Maybe I am too tired, but I also think I'm just plain lazy.
My desk at work is pretty much a disaster, and I'm a little embarrassed by my whole office. Papers are stacked in my so-called in box. There are piles on my desk. Even when I do try to get organized, there are always things left over that I don't know what to do with. My boss annoyingly tells me that I just need to be better organized. That just pisses me off, and makes me NOT want to be organized, because there, I do believe most of the problem is lack of time.
At home, even though I say it's because I have no time, I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm not who I thought I was. It's a little disturbing - I'm having trouble reconciling the way I want to be with the way I think truly I am. Do I deny the slobby person within? Shouldn't I accept who I am and just forget about organizing my closet, and cleaning up the sewing room? But, I get frustrated when I go into a room and I can't find anything, don't have room to work. Are these traits innate, or learned? Am I just getting old and tired?
My solution in the past is to just move. And it's worked just fine! When you move into a new place, you can put everything where it's supposed to go, and it stays that way for awhile. By the time things get all crapped up, it's time to move. That won't work forever though.
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That's a good point about the moving thing, Lisa! I hadn't thought about the fact that since you'd moved every 3-4 years, you had the opportunity (and necessity) of purging and organizing. I wonder if part of it is that different things become important as we get older. What really matters? As long as you don't have rodents living under your stacks of papers, what's the big deal? Your boss can just deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI like your argument, and will keep it in reserve! I'll tell her my psychologist says to lay off!
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you're right about different things being important as you get older, and also at different times in your life - but I still struggle with the fact that while something can be important to me, I still don't make the effort, so I wonder if it's really important or not. I never quite feel like I know who I am...
I hate this mid-life crap. I thought I'd resolved the whole "who am I" question years ago. Now I have to figure it out all over again. Why didn't anyone warn us about this? I'm telling every young woman I know..."Wait until you get into your mid to late 40's. You think things are hard now? You get to do it all over again in about 20 years." It feels like the kindest thing to do so they're not caught unawares.
ReplyDeleteEMBRACE THE SLOB!! It's liberating to not have to keep track of everything all of the time. Trust yourself that you'll neaten it all up when you're ready. Sounds like your brain is saying it likes everything neat and in its place, but your body and soul need to rest. As long as I've known you, Lisa, you've always kept everything in order. I'm glad to see that you're letting some of that go in place of taking time for yourself. Doing the opposite just wouldn't be good for you.
ReplyDeleteI think I learned how to let things go from Tom - still am. He just makes his own rules and doesn't care what things look like (as you know). I was surprised when I looked around one day and saw what a mess everything was. It is uncomfortable and a pain when you can't find things. I got used to it, though.
You're not alone in thinking you don't know who you are anymore either - like Lori said. I feel the same way - I think we're all going through that right now.
I think your boss is talking to herself more than she is you because that's what she would do - and I think that's the life she has. You might want something different.
My new slogan - EMBRACE THE SLOB! I'm practicing this week while J T. is out of town!
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